Written 2/9/2018
Wow, today has been so full. I started the day in a weird middle place. I wasn’t too high and I wasn’t too low. I was optimistic though and by the time I finished my morning meditation, I felt at peace.
And then the day threw me for a loop. I had an experience that was well-meaning but knocked me clear off my rocker. I realized through some pain just how fragile my confidence in myself actually was today. I found myself deep down in some familiar places lamenting what I can’t do, how much I’ve tried, how hopeless it is and how I should just give up.
But my anchor was this beautiful little whisper of “things are different now and you are different person now”. You see, I was getting the most stuck in the fact that the things suggested to me in this particular well-meaning conversation were things I’d tried in various ways many times before. The good-intentioned advice just pricked open a wound and dug a dagger deep into it. But because of that little whisper, I was able to hold on to something that kept me from the spiral. I was able to take care of myself.
And it wasn’t so much that I knew in that moment what I needed to do to take care of me. What I did know though was that I needed care.
This is a major shift worthy of noting. Leah of past years would still be spiraling right now. That hour that I spent in despair today would have been a week or at least a few days of despair. And it would have resulted in a dead stop in my momentum. Flying high Leah would have crashed to the ground with broken wings and broken bones barely able to inch along.
This was my pattern for so many years. I can only now look back on it and see what was happening. Manic highs and depressive lows that could be triggered by anything. And that no one else noticed except to comment on the fact that “Leah is so moody”.
Acknowledging and acting on that whisper is what gave me the greatest gift. Do you know that I’ve ended the day on an amazing high? I’ve seriously upleveled today. Because of that pain and because I’ve grown enough to recognize when I need care, I was able to put myself in the flow of the best, most perfect care.
I went from a situation that stripped me bare and left me feeling naked to one where everyone ran to me, covered me, consoled me and uplifted me. And reminded me who I am.
And because of that, I was able to go out in my next important moments and BE me. I stepped into my knowing and my power in a way that I have not before. Today they came that much closer to being just facts for me.
My way is becoming so much less of a worry and truly a path before me. And that’s what I want for you too. For you to have so much faith and ‘knowing’, that although you may falter and you may need support, you never dead stop again.